YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE AND HOW TO STOP YOURSELF FROM TOTALLY SINKING IN

In our never ending quest of living, we human beings are driven by the intrinsic need for self-development. Owing to this wee fact, at times we overreach, crossing all the way into the selfish territory and even plunging into the yaws of greed. Now, I'm an asshole just like everyone else and I know a little selfishness is a must, like masturbation to a starved soul. However greed is a territory we never want to cross, much like excessive masturbation to a disturbed soul. So, in this rhetoric, I seek to persuade all ye assholes(basically everyone) from totally slaving to this trait.  Unless you don't associate with anyone, you have been an asshole to someone at some point at some place at sometime in your life. So, watu, here is how we can remain little, inoffensive assholes instead of the heavy juggernauts of this terrible behaviour whom everyone wants to punch in the face.

1. Accept that you are an asshole

Yes I know. You are pious and can drink pee and let someone else have water. Yes I know you play your porn on mute so as not to distract your roommates (as they play their porn on mute too, presumably) but chances are, you have been an asshole to some people in the past and it is only natural that you will be an asshole to some others in the future. Maybe you were the butt of a joke and ended up sending someone to Kenyatta National Hospital. Or maybe the tables were reversed and you were the joker, ploughing through a crude joke at an inappropriate time to an inappropriate group of people which also ended with someone in the emergency room at KNH(you obviously). Or lets say you are having a terrible day and a culmination of the daily occurences lead to you insulting the cashier or flipping the bird to the person that has just stepped on your shoes. Congragulations! You have just passed the asshole test, which is mandatory to all humans,so no shame in that. As long as you associate with people, you will have bitter encounters with some of them, and some of those bile-filled moments will be credited to you. Accept that. You wrong people so you are an asshole. After accepting it...

2. Identify what makes you an asshole

Everyone is an asshole, but- I have already said that. Individually what makes you an asshole since no two assholes (he he) are the same. Are you someone with serious temperamental issues? (Maybe that's why you sent someone to the KNH you asshole!). Are you too brutal with your honesty? Do you come off as rude and abrasive?(not me obviously). Sit down, narrow down the aspects of your character that have earned you a respectable share of sneers or a slap as sudden as one your teacher gave you to get you out of a siesta in a Maths class on a Monday afternoon following a heavy lunch of githeri. Identify what is common. That common annoying trait makes you an asshole. Hell you could probably take a more direct route and ask people close to you. Of course you don't ask them if you are an asshole- I said be direct,not that obvious. Ask them what you do or say that annoys them to the point of them wanting to shave your head with a spoon dipped in hot mercury. If they don't tell you, well, you can always reverse. That they can't be honest with you makes them assholes too. Tell them. Cool?  Okay. After this comes step three...

3. Start working on becoming less of that asshole

If there is something hardwired in all of us, it is the need to be liked and even loved. In 'push comes to shove' scenario, to at least be tolerated. Now as an asshole the amount of tolerance, like or even love you get from others is directly dependent on how lowly you score on the asshole-o-metre. Now here is where good friends and family come in. Its never easy changing an almost innate characteristic which will require your loved ones to be completely patient as you slowly unlearn farting in public. Sometimes the case could be of something bigger (so the bigger the trait the bigger the asshole). Something ossified in your system, either by nature or nurture. Things such as misogynism, lack of simple ettiquette or useless competitiveness. After finding out these are what annoys most people  and coming to conclusive terms to change, begin the therapy and remember you will need your support system to keep you on track so as to stop you from becoming a petulant, sulky grown baby. Really, who doesn't want to be loved, or at least appear lovable? If you answered 'me', I advice you visit your nearest police station or- you know, psychiatry hospital because your issues are just too big to be summarised by an online discourse. Also you must be a psycho. True your change won't please everyone but hey, at least you have something to work towards after flopping that interview or after your significant other dumps you, right? Speaking of dumping...

4. Realise that there could be a reason why someone is being an asshole

Now I am not countering my argument here so please read on. Lets say you wake up one Monday morning and since Monday mornings, just like Friday evenings, can't be skipped, you crawl out of bed and into the toilet. While in the toilet, you flush down your very important documents ( I am assuming that you don't own a laptop and that you carry your important documents to the washrooms for some reason - you are an asshole or, I don't know- I don't know you). Then after that you have a collosal fight with your s.o for the first time ever in your blissful union. Whatever it is, if its important to you and warms you dearly, it will likely scatter residue all over your day.
Now lets say later on that day, you head to the supermarket and at the counter, the cashier delays with your change and yet you have a presentation in the next fifteen minutes or she gives you sweets as opposed to the precious coins. You shout obsceneties at them as you try jamming the sweets down their throat (okay that makes you a psycho, sorry). Or maybe you shove someone off your path as you hightail it out of there to make it in time for your presentation. Meanwhile, your s.o keeps sending cryptic messages, you are occupied with how you will begin another project after flushing your work down the toilet. Then you step on a toe and flip the bird to the one you stepped on.

Now in all these instances, you have been labelled an asshole by almost everyone close enough to hear you rip the cashier to threads with your razor sharp tongue full of vulgarities and sexual innuendos. Yet in your head, you are already halfway past forgiving yourself, as you think," It's just that I'm having a bad day. My partner just said I looked like a balloon full of mud and then I flushed my documents down the toilet them some asshole pushed me out of the path so I pushed them further out for good measure. But aside from that I'm generally a good person who is always good." Thing is if you aren't in that situation yourself, your judgement of the situation could be as accurate as the one that table next to you made. We tend to over analyse our self control and under analyse the self control of others. We think we would have done better in that same situation but chances are we would have faired just as poorly. You might think the person who shouted obsceneties at the poor cashier was an asshole because they lacked self control. When you shout at the cashier it is because your two year old child broke your 3d television. Meanwhile that fellow that shoved another aside was just a silly fellow with no purpose yet just like you, they could have done this owing to the bad day they are having. It could be that they had a tiff with their s.o for the first time ever or they could have flashed their vitalities down the toilet like you did a few days back (and whats with you people and toilets?). Point is, there are various reasons why people behave the way they do. Before passing the verdict, it will be prudent to first put yourself in the assholes shoes. Try to imagine what could cause them to flip that switch. Not all of us are terrible just for the heck of it and Im not even calling for total leniency on annoying behaviour. What I'm calling for is for us to be more understanding to others and try to be a little more compassionate before passing a judgement. Realising this will help us reserve the title asshole for deserving parties like matatu drivers or that man or woman that always insists on hugging your s.o in your presence. Okay that type of assholery is hard to explain.

5. Sometimes you can be a right kind of asshole- to some people of course

Note: the use of the word 'asshole' in this article is meant to be for humourous purposes and not an insult.